Monday, June 2, 2014


The other day I wrote a little bit about how I had been in a funk for a week or so. Since Saturday I have definitely been coming out of it. In fact, Saturday morning I woke up and feeling great and like myself again and I was so thankful for that. I am still feeling a bit vulnerable and cautious and afraid to completely let my guard down because the thing with anxiety is that it can hit at any time and usually there isn't even any rhyme or reason for it. I can try to find a reason and ask myself, is it because of all that is going on?- still dealing with my feelings from Opa having a stroke, Kennadie going to kindergarten full-time in the fall, and we have a disclosure meeting soon for a sibling group of three. These are all huge things in life and maybe it's all catching up to me. I don't know the reason, but I do know that I hate living in fear that at any moment anxiety and all that comes with it could hit me at any moment. I am doing my work and pushing so hard and I won't ever stop.

Saturday afternoon, I was babysitting for a friend and I took the kids to the playground. I sat at the picnic table with my iced coffee and watched the kids run around together and play and laugh. The warmth of the sun that started to come out felt so good on my arms and shoulders and that moment I noticed how great I was feeling and did everything I could to soak that up.

The woman at the picnic table next to me asked if all three kids were mine. I told her how I was babysitting and that I had one daughter.

"One is much harder than three."

I laughed in agreement with her and explained how we were in the process of possibly adopting three more children. She told me she had four children under the age of two and was very positive about everything she was telling me. I truly believe that conversation happened because I needed to hear it. It came at the right time and was just a small simple thing that helped me normalize a few things that I was feeling about having more children.

my workout buddy

My first instinct when I am not feeling completely myself or get anxiety etc. is to get rid of it as fast as I possibly can. But the thing I need to remember is that we are not promised a life and feelings of only good all the time and I am trying to become comfortable with that and with the uncomfortable and the sometimes scary. With good comes bad and with stress comes peace and rest. It's all a balance and like anything else, I need to remind myself that although the good and easy and beautiful feelings and moments don't last forever, neither will the bad and scary and uncomfortable.

I will keep pushing and growing and learning and fighting for her, for my husband, for my family and friends, for myself.

No comments: