Monday, May 5, 2014

these days

The waiting has been the hardest part so far in this adoption process- waiting for a referral, constantly checking my email, waiting to find out if we have been matched, waiting to find out if we are moving forward and then more waiting and trying to figure out if we feel like we are the right match for a child/children. We have come so close a few times, but for one reason or another they have not worked out. As much as it hurt not being chosen for one and us making the heart breaking decision to not move forward with another and all this waiting and not knowing exactly when this will happen, I have faith that it will happen soon and we will know when it is right.

It was an emotionally tough week last week after the disclosure meeting and by Saturday I was ready to get out of the house and not think about adoption or the ups and downs that go along with this and just spend some quality time with Kennadie.

We spent the day at Capron Zoo and I needed this little break with her.

She met a girl her age at the playground and they played together for a while. She watched as her new little friend swung on the monkey bars without any help and she was determined to do the same. For the first time she raced across the monkey bars without any help from me.

I'm not going to lie, I thought about the adoption here and there and imagined what it would be like to have her and her siblings at the zoo together. But when I take a step back I see how important these days with just her are. Right now, it's still just our little family of three and one day that will all change. It won't be the two of us hanging out during the day while Josh is at work. She won't have all of my attention at all times. Eventually, she will have to share her mom and dad with siblings. And as much as I do believe she will be completely okay with that and as excited as we are for a bigger family, I am holding onto these moments with just her. The crazy thing about adoption is that at any moment I could receive an email that could potentially change our lives forever.

The day was beautiful and perfect and we had so much fun together and as a twosome we made a memory that we won't forget.

There was the way she got so excited running from one thing to the next as if she would miss out on something. And how I freaked out when we walked into a dark room and we both ran out laughing and we waited for other people to show up so we could follow them in so we wouldn't be alone.

There was the way this tree caught our attention. We hung out underneath it, talked, and gathered the petals that had fallen to the ground to bring home with us. And there was the way we kept saying how we wanted to bring daddy here because we knew he would like it, too.

She looks as if she is enjoying this ice cream, right? Wrong. She's been a picky eater lately and is on an I hate everything besides mac and cheese, hot dogs, cookies, and peanut butter and jelly kick. So we had a major tantrum when the ice cream didn't taste like she though it was going to.

She got over it pretty fast though as soon as the fried dough came and we spent the rest of our time hanging out in the spray park, which was freezing but she loved it.

When Dallas passed away in December the animal hospital gave us a plantable seed paper to grow wildflowers, so on Sunday the three of us went outside after dinner to plant it out front.

She was more interested in finding worms and playing with them.

Kennadie talks about memories from months and even years ago and I love hearing her version when she does. She never talks about the tantrums, the long waits, the crying, the food she didn't like. She remembers the food she did like and the fun that she had and she always asks to do it again. In her mind they are always perfect and magical. The way I want her childhood to be remembered.

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