Friday, May 16, 2014

adoption update- opening up

"Adoption through DCF is more about what the child needs, than what you want." 

"When a child can not live with their biological family, DCF will try to find a family that is best for the child, they are not here to find a child for us."

While searching for adoption information online I came across these two simple yet powerful statements that awakened something inside of me.

I will be the first to admit that through most of this adoption process I have been thinking selfishly; thinking mainly about us- our "wants", our visions, our plans, our feelings. As I type that out, it feels horrible and it's a selfish way to think and go about this. We had this idea of who we would welcome into our family, how old they would be, what their personalities would be like, what their past would be- almost as if we were trying to create some "perfect" situation. Is that really what this is supposed to be about, though? Yes, we started this journey because we knew we would love to welcome more children into our family and into our home and this was the decision, that after months and months of talking about, felt the most right and exciting and it felt exactly like what we were supposed to do. But as I open up to new possibilities, a shift in the way that I have been thinking has happened and I have begun to see that there is so much more to this than doing it only because we would love to have more children.

Growing up, I had a friend whose parents fostered children and I remember feeling very drawn to the idea. As a child, I thought her family was so different from anything I had ever known and wanted to learn more and thought it was just awesome what they were doing. In my early twenties, I revisited this feeling by attending an informational meeting about foster care. I was young and still just getting used to all of the new things I was now able to do- having a drink at the bars and going out dancing at the clubs with friends. I was carefree and didn't have many responsibilities yet. I can't even remember what led me to attend that meeting by myself at that young of an age that evening, but looking back I was obviously very drawn to foster care and adoption throughout my life. Now, here I am in my early thirties with a completed MAPP training behind me, fingerprinted, a finished home study, and officially licensed and waiting.

I am beginning to think that we may have been going through this entire process the wrong way. Josh and I both do still believe that a match must feel right, not only to us, but to the children involved, and our number one priority still is Kennadie's safety. But I am also wondering if we are over-thinking so much of this and wonder if maybe we have even been putting up our own obstacles out of fear.

Why do we keep finding reasons to say "no"?

Are we "passing up" possible matches out of ignorance?

Is it the scary unknown that is holding us back?

Are we searching for the "perfect" child on paper?

Are we waiting to feel one hundred percent sure without any doubts or fears at all?

Is that even possible?

I feel like the waiting and learning and growing and change inside of me is all part of this process and had to happen first before we could be matched. Since the beginning, I have had faith that this will happen right when it's supposed to and not a moment before or after. I still believe this.

I don't have the answers to any of my questions and I am not sure how I am "supposed" to be feeling or exactly what I am "supposed" to be doing, all I know is that I am learning and I know how I am feeling and I need to be okay with that. I need to be okay and embrace every thought and feeling I do have- my fears and doubts and hesitations as well as my excitement and passion and joy. I also need to begin to let go of whatever control I think I have and, maybe for once, take a risk.

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