Monday, March 3, 2014

a long road ahead

It blows my mind how in an instant everything can change. How our worlds can come crashing down right in front of us in the matter of days or even hours. I try to enjoy every single day, to live without any regrets, and to make the most of my time with the ones I love, but as we go through our days-our to-do lists, making dinner, laundry, work, animals, kids-this way of thinking can be pushed to the back and some days can even be taken for granted almost-thinking we can always just say what we wanted later or put something off until tomorrow. It can be hard to imagine there won't be a next time.
The Thursday after we returned home from Florida, just four days after we left Opa and Oma in Florida to come home, I received a call from my mom while I was driving home that left me in complete shock.

Opa had a stroke.

I ran in our house and just cried.

Thankfully, he will be OK and is in rehab right now. The main concern is that he can't really talk right now and anybody that knows Opa knows he is a talker and I can't even begin to imagine him any other way.

For the last few years, I always told Josh how much I wanted Kennadie to get the Florida experience with Opa and Oma and I am beyond thankful that we were able to do that. It's bittersweet looking at our pictures from our recent vacation with them and at times I feel numb to the reality of what just happened. I can ask the question why, as many of us do when something like this happens, but it doesn't change anything and most likely I won't find the answer that I am searching for.

After something unexpected happens, I can be very hard on myself-did I do this enough, did I say that enough, I should have done more of this or that. At times, I put too much pressure on myself to truly live each day to the fullest, to not take anything for granted. But I am realizing that it's OK to have a balance-to be aware of the way I spend my time, to make sure that I am saying yes more than no, but to not beat myself up when I want to take time for myself or when I clean the kitchen instead of playing My Little Ponies on the floor. It is impossible to live in the moment every single second and I think we need that balance of when we are fully present and when we are just living our everyday lives-annoyed with the dog barking, grocery shopping, oil changes, collapsing on the couch after a long day-and I am beginning to learn what it is like to be comfortable with all of it.

Opa and Oma are two of the most important people in my life and we will fight right along with him, not give up no matter what. A new normal will have to be learned and accepting what happened is something that I am working on. We may have a long road ahead of us, but I know, in time, we will get there.

1 comment:

Jennifer Marshall said...

Hugs, Andrea! Thinking of you and your family and wishing your Grandpa a speedy recovery.