Thursday, October 3, 2013

the pieces will fall into place

Friday night was a hard night. I called my best friend and we talked for over an hour and I cried to her and dug down deep inside of me and released as much as I could until I felt the huge cloud lifting. 

These moments that test my patience, that leave me confused & fearing the unknown, the fuzziness, the waiting and the waiting some more can be so painful, but I know that there is something great at the end of this and I believe this is all happening for a reason and that one day I will see that reason.

Having more children isn't something that is coming easy for us. These last few years have been filled with so much excitement and hope, but also a lot of fear and worry. While going through PPOCD I didn't know if I would ever be ready to try again for another baby and once the healing began we were then faced with infertility issues and now we are trying to figure out if foster care/adoption is right for our family.

I feel as if I need to explain how so very grateful I am for the life that I do have- an amazing and loving husband and family, a daughter who is my world, our health, jobs, a happy home. But it's still my pain and loss and although I was blessed with a beautiful daughter, it doesn't lessen the pain. Secondary infertility still hurts.

Marcia tells me all the time that it's OK to grieve this. That it is a loss. A loss of something I have wanted my entire life. A loss of not being pregnant again. A loss of my dreams that I had all planned out since I was a little girl. A loss of the baby I thought I would have by now.

I thought I was done grieving this and thought I had moved on completely, but once in a while the pain creeps back up and I know I have to keep peeling away at the layers until I let it all out.

This little girl most definitely helps to take away some of the confusion. Being with her makes me happy and Friday I needed that happiness and silliness that she brings to our lives and she gave me just that.

we received her little mermaid costume for halloween in the mail and she was ecstatic

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