Tuesday, July 2, 2013

unfamiliar road

I wrote a lot the other night, scribbling as fast as I could while I sat outside with a corona in one hand & a pen in the other. Kenny Chesney was cranked up as loud as I could get it on my kindle & I just wrote, digging as deep as I could get while swatting off mosquitoes in the dark.

It's cathartic writing, especially when I haven't dug that deep in a while. Just trying to make sense of my thoughts & feelings & life & how things don't always happen as we plan. But it felt so good to let it all out on that paper.

I took a trip to the post office on Monday & mailed out the paperwork. The first step in this new journey we are on towards foster care/adopting. The last four years have been filled with a lot of anxiety about the future, but has also been filled with hope that we will add on to our family. I have said it here before, but my entire life I thought I would have had four children by the age of thirty. These past few years I have come to realize that as much as we plan for our life, life often has it's own plans, many times much different that we ever expected. It took me a long time to get through the anger, sadness, the why me thinking, the feelings of loss & hopelessness.

Of course there are still moments every once in a great while where it stings to think about how I may never carry another baby, but most days now I feel at peace with where I am, where we are as a family, & where we are headed. Most days I am at peace with the fact that I went through PPOCD/PPA & although for a long time it left me angry that it happened & left me feeling confused for years on whether or not I would ever be ready to try again for more children & was one big emotional & horrifying roller coaster ride, I now refuse to see anything but all of the positive that has come from this.

My feelings on wanting a bigger family, loving more children, & giving Kennadie siblings has always been strong & I know it always will be. Having a big family & being a mom is something I have wanted my entire life & although the road to get there is not exactly what I had planned out for my life, I know that I am at least in control of making choices. I can change directions, adjust as needed, take a chance on turning down an unfamiliar road. This new direction may end up being more beautiful than I ever thought.

I am ready to take that turn on this new road & excited see where it leads us.


AnnMarie said...

Oh, Andrea, I have been where you are in the sense that this life that I am living is so different than the one I thought I would lead. I didn't think infertility would affect me. I didn't dream that my kids would battle a fatal disease and both of those nearly stole my dream of having a big family. 15 years later, I have my big family (well, actually 11 years later I got it). I am so happy for you that you have taken the next step and I am thrilled to be on this journey with you.

Andrea Balcunas said...

You are a huge inspiration to me AnnMarie. Thank you :)