Friday, February 22, 2013

mixed emotions dealing with secondary infertility

While driving to the vets yesterday Kennadie started talking about how babies get here. "Mommy, there was a ring & then I popped it, I just popped out & that's how I got here!" (She got this idea because I have a small hole near my belly button from having a belly button ring years ago & she knows that I had to take it out when I was pregnant with her.) I find it hysterical that she thought babies just pop out like that. I laughed so hard & then we had a quick age appropriate conversation about how babies really get here :)

Then my heart broke into pieces.

"Mommy, when the baby gets here soon can you teach me how to feed it & take care of it?"

I explained to her that a baby won't be here soon but we do hope to have a baby in the future.

"Well, I can teach the baby to walk & talk & to pet the kitties nice. And I can teach the baby not to hit & I can give the baby a tubby all by myself without any help & I can brush its teeth."

I held back the tears, flashed her a smile, & told her how sweet she is.

I know she will be a great big sister one day & it makes me so happy to hear how excited she gets about having a little sister or brother, but at the same time my heart hurts hearing her talk about it.

Our first attempt at an IUI will be done in about two weeks. I'm not sure how I am feeling about all of this-sad, angry, excited, in disbelief. And then there is some more anger & sadness mixed in there. It's still really hard to accept this is the road we are on right now. Trying to stay positive about the outcome is becoming harder & harder as each month passes. I hate not knowing- not knowing if the IUI will even work, not knowing if we will ever have another baby, not knowing if Kennadie will ever get to experience being a big sister.

It's hard not to think why not me when what seems like everyone else around me is pregnant. It's hard not to put the blame on Josh; as if blaming someone else can somehow take away even a little bit of the pain. It's hard to get past the what ifs, the should haves, the guilt, the disappointment, the isolation, the denial even. It's all so confusing & there are so many different emotions going through me right now.

While going through PPA/PPOCD I never would have thought that years later I would actually look back & see all the positive things that came out of that. But I can see all the amazing things that have come from that experience & I keep trying to remind myself of that. That as much as this hurts now, it will get better, & someday I will be able to see the positive that came from this too.


Ursula Ciller said...

Sending a four-leafed clover your way... Your post is very touching and you and your family no doubt deserving. I wish and hope you have the best of luck now or in times to come.

Jennifer said...

{{{***HUGS***}}} Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. Praying for you. xoxo

Andrea Balcunas said...

Thanks so much!! & I needed the big hug!! xo

Andrea Balcunas said...

Ugh, it is heartbreaking right? Thanks so much AnnMarie. Your story is so inspiring to me & you definitely give me hope. I will keep you posted :) xo

Kristin @littlemamajama said...

Oh, sweetie. I have no words, just tears and hugs. Big hugs.

Kimberly said...

I just started writing a post about this EXACT same thing..minus the actually trying part :)
It's a hard thing when you want it so bad and others around you just seem to think about it and get it instantly. I get a twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach...I won't lie.
I am like 98 percent certain that we will not have another. That's a tough pill to swallow. It's letting go of a dream. Chase broke the uterus mold.
I do wish though with all of my heart that things work out for you. I really do.

Andrea Balcunas said...

Yeah it was weird how I saw that you posted something about it on twitter (I think it was twitter?) and I was dealing with something similar at the same time.

I totally understand the jealousy feeling...A good friend of mine was trying for like 5 months & a week ago she found out she was pregnant. I absolutely love her & I was so happy for HER but the feelings inside of me-I was like are you frickin' kidding me?!!

I hear you Kim-I had always pictured my life one way & I was always like I am going to have 4 kids before I am 30 etc...little did I know that I really can't control a lot of what life throws at me. I am working on learning to let go of how I thought my life was "supposed" to be.

Thanks Kim. xo