Friday, January 25, 2013

our first fertility consultation

So many thoughts were going through my head as we sat in that small office. Our options were discussed with us & the doctor recommends that we start by trying the IUI. Due to the fact that certain fertility medications can cause mood swings, I am leaning more towards starting the IUI with a natural cycle. After everything I have been through with the anxiety & OCD, I want to try to stay away from the fertility medications for now. Another option was to start IVF next month, but unfortunately our insurance doesn’t cover fertility procedures & knowing how expensive IVF is, we are going to have to start with the IUI in February if I’m not pregnant before that. 
There is so much to think about-Get off my medication or stay on? Keep trying naturally or try the IUI? Try fertility medications or not? Would adoption ever be an option if this doesn’t happen? What if this really never happens?

It can be a bit overwhelming & moments will come where I am hit with a wave of anger & disbelief. Although I know it doesn't help the situation, I can't help but ask myself why all the time. I just don’t understand. A big family is something I have wanted since I was a little girl & at times it feels like my dreams are being ripped right from me & there’s nothing I can do about it. 

Sometimes I think, is this really happening or am I just being dramatic? I get thoughts all the time like, maybe we just aren't trying hard enough, maybe if I exercised more, maybe if I did acupuncture again, maybe if I did this or maybe if I did that then it would just happen. I can’t figure out if we are really dealing with infertility or if we just aren't trying hard enough or timing it right. Sometimes I think about how silly I feel even walking into a fertility clinic; thoughts in my head tell me that there’s nothing wrong & to just try harder. I think what scares me most is not knowing what's going to happen, not knowing if this will ever happen. I'm trying to stay positive but it's starting to hurt a bit & I'm just not sure what to think or feel at this point. 

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