Friday, September 28, 2012

hoping & waiting

As I played outside in the backyard with Kennadie this afternoon I couldn’t shake the picture in my head- imagining her running around playing with a brother or sister. It hurts that this idea is not our reality right now. 

A good friend that I haven’t talked to in over a week emailed me today & for some reason I spilled everything to her. I obviously needed to let it out because as I typed a reply my eyes started to sting as tears mixed with makeup began to stream down my face. I was caught off guard; I had no idea how much this was affecting me. For the first time, I was admitting to someone else & to myself how much this hurts. How sad I am that we have been trying to conceive for almost 9 months now with no luck.

I have been trying not to stress over it. I haven’t been charting, buying fertility vitamins or obsessing over dates (as I have been known to do in the past). But this last cycle I broke down & used an ovulation predictor kit-hoping that would help. Not one test that entire cycle showed a positive for ovulation.

My doctor had me come in this morning for Day 3 testing. Whatever that means. All I know is that it tests my hormone levels. She also explained to me that if I am not pregnant within the next few months then she will refer me to a fertility specialist.

By the time I was 21 I had my life planned out; I would get married & have at least 4 kids-all before the age of 30. Our house would never be quiet & if it was it wouldn’t feel right. My kids would always have someone to play with & someone to fight with. This was just the way I always thought my life would look like. But I am learning that I need to accept that sometimes life has different plans.

After having Kennadie I never expected to go down the road of intrusive thoughts. That road completely messed up all of my plans. And if I am being honest, at times I feel angry about it; that was the scariest thing that ever happened to me, that is the reason I have waited 3 years before feeling comfortable enough to try for baby #2, & it has messed with my head over the last few years. I would feel great for a couple of months & would start to think that I was ready to try for another baby. Then out of nowhere intrusive thoughts would creep back into my head followed by a panic attack which led me back to thinking that I could never have more children. PPOCD & the intrusive thoughts played this horrible little trick on me over & over again for years.

I have been staying positive & trying not to think about it too much, but sometimes it just sucks. And hurts. 

This baby is already so very wanted & loved & all I can do right now is take it day by day & hope this happens soon.


Kristin Novotny said...

Oh friend, I have tears running down my cheeks for you. You are such a wonderful mother, and deserve to have your dream fulfilled. Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way. xo

Andrea said...

Kristin thank you so much. That is really sweet & means a lot to me. It felt good to write that because I have kept it in for months now-it needed to come out!! Thank you again. xoxo

tranquilamama said...

Andrea, I am sending you my love, support and prayers. Huge hugs that God will bless you with another miracle.