Tuesday, August 7, 2012

false positives suck!

I studied that stick for a good 10 minutes.

Although faint, there was no denying two lines were there. 

Could I really be pregnant right now?!  

Kennadie & I sat down for lunch when my best friend called. We giggled like high school girls as I told her about the test I took moments earlier.

She knew how much this was wanted. 

She told me not to worry about the line being so faint but I knew I had to retest before I got too excited. 

4 tests that day. 1 positive. 3 negative. 

For a few hours (before I retested) I believed there was a good chance that I could be pregnant. 

Ideas on cute ways to tell Josh the big news began swirling in my head. 

I picked up that stick 482 times to study it from different angles & in different lighting. Just to make sure the 2 lines were really there. 

My face lit up with a smile each time I glanced over at that test. 

False positives are a cruel, cruel joke. 

That pregnancy test messed with my emotions. Ecstatic one moment & freaking out the next. 

Thoughts & feelings came up that I never had before.

What if the anxiety comes back?

What if the intrusive thoughts happen? Please don’t let those horrible thoughts happen again.

What if I become depressed this time?

What if something worse happens?

What if I don’t bond with a new baby?

How can I love another baby as much as I love Kennadie?


Even with all the what if thinking, my heart hurt when those 3 tests came out negative. 

For a few years I went back & forth with feeling ready to have another baby. This decision has been an emotional roller coaster because of my experience with PPA/PPOCD. In the beginning, I thought I was never going to be able to have more children. 

As I started to feel better, my way of thinking changed. I began to feel comfortable with the idea that I really could have more children after a PPMD. 

There were many, many times where I thought I was ready to try again. But every time I was hit with a panic attack, all of the memories of what it was like dealing with intrusive thoughts came flooding back to me. 

Each panic attack put me right back to how I felt at the very beginning of the PPA/PPOCD. There is no way that I could do this again. 

But now? I have come so far this past year. So far. I see it. I feel the difference. I feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders more & more as each day passes. Since starting to try for baby #2, not once have I gone back on this decision to move forward with trying to expand our family. 

Am I scared terrified that if I get pregnant there is a chance I could experience a PPMD again? 

Most definitely.

But I know what it is now. I know it is treatable. I know it doesn't last forever. 

I am working on a pregnancy & postpartum plan. Just in case. I know how important it is to be as prepared as you can be. 

I have also found some pretty awesome moms who understand every bit of what it is like to experience a PPMD. I won’t have to go through it alone if it does happen again. I will have support. I will have others to talk to. This? Is huge. 

The false positive showed me that I definitely have fears that I need to work on but it also made me realize how ready I really am. There is no doubt in my mind that I can do this. No matter what happens.


Kristin Novotny said...

Oh Andrea, I'm so sorry that you had a false positive. :( *hugs*

I'm so happy for you, though, that you know that you're ready and how happy you'll be when that true positive comes along. You're right, you have a bunch of us behind you to help you with those fears and what-ifs. You're not alone girl!

ocdtalk said...

Sorry about that roller-coaster of emotions, but so glad to hear of your decision.

Andrea said...

Had no idea that could really happen!!

Thank you, so lucky to have found you all!!!

Andrea said...

Thank you! It has been a long road but so excited that I have made it to this point :)