Thursday, July 12, 2012

we all have rough days

Just when I think it’s over & behind me, the anxiety knocks me down without any warning.

Suddenly, I don’t feel like myself.

I’m reminded that I may always have to look over my shoulder.

My mind races with what if thoughts.

What if this leads to depression?

What if this never goes away?

Unable to fight the tears any longer, they come pouring down.

The anxiety laughs at me; I’m tricked into believing that I shouldn’t get too comfortable where I am now. It feels a need to remind me that it still lingers around. Telling me lies I know I shouldn’t believe.

I can’t find a way to trust the words, “It won’t last forever; you will get through this”.

My mind believes the worst.

My mind believes it’s here to stay for good.

My mind fears that once again, my life will be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

My fears take over & it’s a bitch to get out of this place.

I am left feeling beaten down & fragile.

It’s been a long time since I felt uncomfortable or had such worry & panic like this. Somewhere along this journey, I fooled myself into believing that if I am not “happy” every second then something is “wrong”. That it means I haven’t recovered from this.

Most days, I feel safe & comfortable where I am in my life.

Most days, it feels like a distant memory.

Most days, I know that I have recovered.

Most days, I believe it when I tell others, “It won’t last forever; you will get through this”.

Most days, I am happy.

I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours. Members from Mama’s Comfort Camp gave me some great advice. One piece of advice that I can't stop thinking about is, “Just because we go through a hard time doesn’t mean we are not in recovery or haven’t recovered. The point is not necessarily to never feel bad, but how we respond to those feelings”.

Feeling pure joy & happiness 100% of the time is just not possible. We all have a rough day (or two or three) & that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This doesn’t have to mean that we are going to be back in that dark & scary place. This doesn't mean that we haven't recovered. 

We are allowed to have “off” days & to “not feel like ourselves” from time to time.

We are allowed to feel sadness & even anger once in a while.  

We are allowed to not be happy every single moment of every single day.

Finding Mama’s Comfort Camp & PPDChat has played a huge role in my recovery with PPA/PPOCD. I don’t know where I would be without this support. I didn’t have to keep quiet about how I was feeling the other night & I didn’t have to go through it alone. I spoke up & received love & support. And for that I am truly grateful.

For more information on Mama's Comfort Camp click here

For more information on PPDChat click here

Even Katherine Stone has a rough day here & there! Check out what she has to say about it here


Kristin Novotny said...

Wow, I was just talking about this with my therapist the other day. It's like, once we experience anxiety and/or depression, it's almost impossible to believe that we're not slipping back into it when we have bad days. Like your title says, we all have rough days! It doesn't mean we're not getting better.

Sending lots of hugs and love your way, girl. Hope brighter days are in your very near future. You deserve them! <3

ocdtalk said...

You say, "We are allowed to feel sadness & even anger once in a while." Of course of course......that is what it is to be human........all the ups and downs. The trick is, as you say, is how you deal with the wide array of feelings and emotions we all feel. I'm sure you are helping lots of people by sharing, so thank you! I know better days are right around the corner for you!

Kimberly said...

When I saw my psychiatrist last week, I told him that I don't expect to be happy all the time because no one is.Every one of us has bad patches. But when you've been on the other side of the tracks, you immediately think the worst after all that fighting you did to climb back up and out.
What helps me is to step back and think of what i was like say a month ago, year ago etc. and how I would have handled the situation then...and then I realize that if this bad patch happened then, I would have never made it out.
Being able to recognize a normal response to stressors is a great way to gage how you're doing....and to realize that you are not slipping backwards.
I hope this makes some sort of sense :)

Andrea said...

Thanks Kristin! Yeah I sometimes feel as if we have to look over our shoulders, always thinking "is it coming back" etc. I will work hard on trying to remember it most likely doesn't mean anything :)

Andrea said...

Yeah Kim, I think that too-immediately think the worst...cause I just never want to go back to that place.
Thanks for sharing. You are so right I sometimes look back at when it was really bad & it allows me to see the changes that have been made.
It definitely makes sense, thanks so much!! xoxo