Friday, December 11, 2015

heartbroken

I have always known and felt a deep yearning inside of me for a bigger family. Am I completely happy and thankful for my family as we are now? Of course. There has always been a passion inside of me for at least three children though. This feeling and passion has been with me since I was a child and I know it will never change.

We haven't been talking too much about adopting again, although it is something we would love to do again for sure. We have been busy with the girls and with me finishing school and we both felt when it was meant to be it will happen. We haven't been rushing or pushing anything. I received an email from Judy last week that has led me to making the second hardest decision of my life. The email was for a little boy named Reed who is two and needed a forever home. I immediately thought yes, yes, yes. Josh had some valid concerns regarding how we would pay for two kids in daycare once I began working, but we ended up saying yes and it was planned that he would move in next week. I was ecstatic. The girls were ecstatic. I was feeling so blessed that we all were matched with each other and was so excited to get this little boy home with us and couldn't wait to start loving him.

I had Reed for the day on Thursday and I don't know what happened but I felt a sense of oh my god I can't do this right now. It has nothing to do with him - he is a sweet, loving, affectionate and amazing little boy. It was me. All of a sudden thinking of diapers again and potty training again and baby proofing the house again and watching over a two year old constantly again all became so overwhelming. It is as if we are moving forward with the girls ages now and how independent they are in so many ways and how we can just go without naps or diapers or strollers etc. I began having doubts at that point. I was feeling as if I/we were not really at that point in our lives anymore. I was so disappointed in myself- how can anyone say "no" to him/to any child, that I didn't think of this before getting so involved with the social workers and the foster family and with him- how could I have not thought of this when we were first matched with him?? I have been feeling as if I not only let the social workers down, our family down, Josh down, the girls down, myself down, but most importantly I can't help but feel as if I let Reed down. He has been through so much more than most people already at the age of two and how can I be so selfish- I should just suck it up and do this for our family and for him. But something inside of me kept resisting and I had to listen to that as much as I tried to push those feelings and thoughts away. I wish in every way possible that it wasn't like this, that something inside of me wasn't resisting, that it all just felt right. It kills me that it doesn't and I can't even explain the guilt and sadness and heartbreak I feel right now. I wonder if I will always regret this. I wonder if I made the wrong choice. I wonder if I stepped in and over-thought it all and messed with fate. I keep wanting to tell the social workers that I just freaked and yes we still want to do this, but is that because I feel guilty or because I can't bear to say no to him/to any child, even when it may not be completely the right thing to do?

I like to think that things happen for a reason. Ever since I healed from the PPOCD I have been able to see how things happen-good and bad-and how those experiences always seem to lead to something else. Going through PPOCD led me to being passionate and aware of postpartum mood disorders and it led us to adoption and my passion for adoption and foster care and it led us to Nicole. If I hadn't gone through that we would have never even thought about adoption and Nicole wouldn't be here with us. Going through the abortion saved me and my family from PPOCD again (or maybe even worse), it showed us how we were completely okay and at peace with not having more biological children, it showed me the passion I have for adoption, and it taught me the importance of never judging someone else because you truly never know what you would do until you are faced with a situation. And now this- I would like to think that Reed coming into our lives, even for a moment, is showing us that we are completely okay with and at peace with not having any more very little children, that maybe this had to happen for him to find his forever family that he is meant to be with, that it will lead us to finding our child/children that is meant to be with us forever. I truly care about Reed so much, and although he may have only been in my life for a moment, I will never forget him. I need to trust that this happened for a reason.


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