Saturday, August 22, 2015

stream of consciousness

It's Saturday night, the girls are sleeping, Josh is at a friend's house doing that fantasy football stuff, and I am curled up in the sun-room catching up on some photos from the week and writing.

Yesterday my mom and dad took the girls to the Boston Aquarium and Josh was able to get out of work a little early so we could go out to Kaizen for dinner, which was delicious as always. I had my usual- crab rangoon, chicken tempura, and veggie fried rice and Josh had sushi. We had good conversations and a great time together and ended the night with Ronnie's ice cream back at the house watching Teen Mom :) It was a perfect way to kick off his week off from work.

Dale's wedding was today and we had a great time. The girls came with me and had so much fun, too. It was the perfect little wedding actually- nothing over the top, casual, and just fun. They had it in their backyard, their closest family and friends were there and a bunch of kids. There was a few tables under the tents, they had buffet style food, alcohol, good music, and the kids danced and all went swimming in the pool. Such a fun little wedding!

This morning while we were all hanging out in the sun-room with the music on and the girls dancing, Kennadie said that she wasn't a good dancer and she was all shy about dancing- which is totally not even reality because she really is a good little dancer. And then I noticed while we were at the wedding how shy Kennadie seemed; and tonight she mentioned that she was not too happy about starting school in a little over a week and that she may cry on the first day because she doesn't know many kids in her class. Ugh, this makes me so, so sad. I know how hard and awful it is to be shy and uncomfortable and unsure of yourself and it is one thing I never want my kids to ever, ever have to go through. I have dealt with insecurities ever since going through the bullying during my school years, and it is almost as if going through that in school tore me down and I was never built back up, and unfortunately it is something that has stuck with me ever since and something that, even to this day, I work on changing and healing from.

Earlier tonight, this feeling came over me and I almost saw what it would be like in the future if I don't help her address and overcome this now- Nicole is outgoing and anything but shy and I can see her being super social in school and I'm not even worried about her at all with that. Then I see Kennadie keeping to herself, not dancing because she is afraid of what others may think, and oh my god what if she has to deal with the same bullshit I dealt with and never finds where she belongs and never truly feels comfortable with who she is.

I almost blame myself for her being this way. I wonder if she can sense it from me (even though I try to not let it show). This is something that I will for sure be working on to try to turn this around before it becomes a major issue. I am taken back to those school years and that horrible feeling of "not good enough" when I see her like this and it literally breaks my heart because I know exactly how she is feeling and I just want to take those insecurities away from her, but I can't and I feel so helpless. Right now, I am lost as to what to do for her to "fix" this or help her overcome this shyness. She is beautiful and smart and talented and creative and incredibly caring and kind and I never, ever want her to go through life with unnecessary insecurities or to ever feel less than.

This parenting thing can be tough, especially when they reach school-age, but I know I will do anything I can to protect my children and I know all I can do is my best to help them become their best selves.

And I will end this on a happier and more positive note with a few snapshots from my iphone from this week.

 photo AA8A9351-8103-4BFE-9594-4681FF035503_zpsk3ja4xq9.jpg  photo 53F5A2A9-BFDD-4BF2-9E2F-BDF1CB3C0F97_zps1oxkkwko.jpg  photo 290D7831-8BFA-44B4-B274-056CCA5E5604_zpsfefsz0pi.jpg  photo B0EC47DD-8835-4EC2-8D53-E9A887685EE8_zpsw70wfmuk.jpg  photo 6E3661FB-8F1E-4FF2-BE9A-03B8858BAAF4_zpss6usjptk.jpg  photo 49952ACE-8394-4B2F-8CF8-806B0C96840D_zpsalcvjdcr.jpg  photo 59F132F5-FF65-4F8D-90DC-AC941EA1D3A1_zpsjd0u4w20.jpg  photo 5BEC2FEC-0876-4FA4-B6AE-C8A4C046FCCC_zpsmom2uw0r.jpg  photo EA97FB60-19C8-431F-A40F-0D4033866395_zps5hj76eqj.jpg

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