Saturday, December 6, 2014

fuel

When I started my blog two and a half years ago, Kennadie was three years old and I was still battling PPOCD. I was sitting in the spare bedroom (which is now Nicole's room) reading blogs that inspired me from women who had also been through a PPMD. I wanted to start a blog to help others and to connect with women who understood what I was going through. That night when I created this blog I never in a million years would have known exactly what blogging would do for me.

Although I have a blog I am a private person. When I first started blogging I tried to keep up with everyone on twitter and facebook and then instagram. I tend to back away from social media a lot though. It was too much trying to keep up with all of these accounts and to really be heard I feel like you have to spend a lot of time interacting on all of these platforms. It can be overwhelming and if you are not careful it can make you feel as if you don't matter and that you aren't good enough and that no one really seems to care to want to interact with you or get to know you. You start feeling lost and it was all too much like that feeling in high school where you aren't sure where you fit in or if you belong. Whether or not that was true for me, it was how I felt. Telling people my every move and what I am doing at all times is not something that ever came naturally to me. Posting on facebook other than a happy birthday to someone or posting some pictures in my albums has never come naturally to me either.

I recently deleted my twitter account, made my instagram private (and haven't posted in a while there either), deleted my blog's facebook page, and made my blog private. I wanted to start putting photos that include Nicole on my blog and I can't do that publicly until the adoption is finalized, but I also needed to do this for me. As much as this is just a blog, I need a space where I can completely be myself and not worry about what others may think and by setting the blog private for now I am able to do that.

Blogging and photography are my creative outlets. I feel fulfilled when I write and take photos. Writing and photography are two of my passions and I need both of them. This blog has helped me heal, has allowed me to document our days and all of the in-between moments that make up our life. This blog has led me to finding my passion for photography that I never knew existed and gave me a way to document my journey through PPOCD and infertility and our journey toward adoption.

So, for now I will keep this space private while I dig deep into myself and find my voice and grow and learn.

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