Adoption was something that felt scary to me. For whatever reason it felt like a terrifying place that I didn't want to go. But that scary place has turned into a beautiful place in our lives, creating a new purpose. I should have known that it would lead somewhere wonderful because the same thing happened to me after healing from PPOCD. Over time, what was once hard and scary seemed to slowly fade away and eventually led to something great.
Experiencing PPOCD after giving birth to Kennadie is just what I know- I will never know what it's like to give birth and not have terrifying intrusive thoughts. I will never know what it is like to give birth to more than one child. I will never know a life that doesn't include foster care and adoption. Kennadie will never know what it is like to not have adoption in her life or have biological siblings. I will never know a life that doesn't involve making that hard decision that we were faced with just a few months ago. And I am okay with all of that. I think we have to get through the hard to make it to the good, even when that seems impossible at the time.
I believe all of the hard moments that we went through before we started our adoption journey and dealing with PPOCD and then fertility issues and waiting to be matched and dealing with what we went through back in June were all important and needed to happen for us to be exactly where we are today. I never understood all of this at the time, of course but eventually it all started to make sense. I am so much stronger now and I have learned so much and I have grown and healed and, although all of it will always be a part of who I am and a part of my story and they will be topics that I will always care deeply about, I was able to move on and let go.
At the beginning of our adoption journey I remember hoping that I would get to the point where I was happy about where we were. I remember hoping that I would get to the point where I would feel excited about adopting. I remember hoping that one day I could let go of my fears. And of course all of that came- excitement, happiness, passion, moving on, letting go, falling in love with a little girl who became a part of our family at 18 months old. I can't imagine our lives any other way. I can see now that it all happened exactly as it was supposed to- the PPOCD, the infertility issues, what happened back in June, and the waiting to be matched. She was meant to be with us and we were meant to be with her.