Saturday, September 6, 2014
Wednesday was hard. After school the girls had a snack and we talked about our day and played outside until it was time to get ready for dinner; and then the attitude started. Something about the kite not flying high enough and I didn't fix a toy for her at the exact moment she wanted me to because, you know, I wasn't too busy playing with them or anything! For some reason it hit me extra hard. I became emotionally exhausted and dramatic and my thoughts were all over the place.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom anymore. Maybe I just suck at being a mom in general. Maybe going to work and letting someone else deal with it sounds really nice right now.
Then the guilt set in.
How could I even think that? Don't I realize just how incredibly lucky I am that I even have the choice to stay home?! How dare I not appreciate every single moment of every single day.
And then later on that afternoon she told me how no one wanted to sit with her on the bus that morning and she doesn't want to go back to kindergarten and she just wants to go back to her old school because Mrs. A promised her that she would be a helper this year and, oh yeah, she cried at school because she missed me too much.
My heart broke in a million pieces. And I was all dramatic again and cried.
Why wouldn't the kids want to sit with her on the bus? She's still too little to be in school for six hours...she's only five! Why doesn't she want to go back to school? I promised myself that I would never force my kids to go to a school they hate! Maybe we should homeschool! Maybe we should pull her out of this school and bring her somewhere else, somewhere smaller. Maybe she should go back to her old school. She missed me and she cried and I wasn't there to hug her and hold her!
I woke up Thursday morning with a clear head. I clasped the blue heart bff necklace around my neck and the pink bff necklace around hers and said, "Any time you get sad or miss me just look down at this necklace and think of me and know that I will be waiting for you at the end of the day and that I am thinking of you, too."
This necklace idea? Brilliant. It's a magic necklace you know; she doesn't cry at school when she wears it.
She decided to try the bus again Thursday morning and she came up with a plan on her own.
"I don't care if I can't sit next to the window, I will just find someone to sit with."
Great plan, right?
When the bus driver gave her the thumbs up to cross the road she climbed up the steps on the bus and sat right down with a little girl that was next to the window and both girls smiled at each other and Kennadie pointed out the window to me and waved. I was so proud of her and she did exactly what she said she was going to do.
This is all new to both of us. New routines. Being away from each other for most of the day. Her dealing with rejection and things not going the way she had hoped. Kids not sitting with her on the bus. But running away isn't the answer when something doesn't go as planned or because of a few bad days here and there. I think I dealt with a lot of my own disappointments and hard times that way and it's not something I wish to teach to her. I'm learning how to find the balance of being there for her and supporting her and dealing with all of the ups and downs that life throws at us instead of running away or running to the rescue for every little thing.
And Friday? She not only took the bus to school but also took it on the way home for the first time. I waited in the driveway with Nicole for a good half an hour before the bus actually dropped her off because I didn't want to miss her getting off and I was so excited she was coming home and couldn't wait to hear all about her day. And you know what the first thing she said to me when she got off that bus was?
"So, um, can you wait inside the house next time?"
She is learning to find her way and she is going to be just fine.