Wednesday, September 10, 2014

kennadie's birth story

Once I reached my early twenties I drifted away from journaling. It wasn't until two years ago that I started writing again. I never thought to write Kennadie's birth story five years ago, but I wish I would have. I started this post over a year ago, saved it in my drafts, and haven't opened it back up until now. I'm not sure why it has taken me this long, but I know that I want it here- for her, for us. Although I will never forget that special day, the emotions obviously aren't as raw now as they were five years ago; and some, I am sure, have been lost. So I will just write what I can remember, hit publish, and save this post in my archives so we can forever look back on it.

Josh was in the basement working out and I was by myself in our second floor bathroom in our condo when the the test showed two pink lines. I remember being excited and scared. It had only been one month since I had a miscarriage and I was terrified of losing this baby too. I remember I was anxious throughout my pregnancy; I always wanted to make sure she was okay. 

It was the night of my 27th birthday and my mom and dad and sister were at our condo celebrating with pizza and cake. Moments after I opened my birthday present from Josh- which were floor seats to a Celtics game because we were obsessed fans at the time- my water broke. 

I remember being on the phone with the on-call nurse at my doctor's office and her telling me to come to the hospital to be checked. I remember thinking it was going to be a false alarm and I remember us taking our time to get out of the house. I remember my parents stayed back at our place to take care of our animals and to clean up as Josh and I packed our bags and headed out the front door.

I remember the look on Josh's face as we got in my car. He has never been one that loves change and I knew he was a little nervous about this huge change that was about to take place. While we were driving to the hospital I remember him calling his dad to let him know we were on our way to the hospital and I remember texting my best friend.

I remember standing against the wall outside the tiny registration room waiting to fill out paperwork and telling Josh that I really wanted her name to be Kennadie Taylor. It was then and there that we decided for sure this would be her name. We fell in love with the name Kennadie during my pregnancy but kept changing our minds and we went into the hospital that night thinking we were going to name her Taylor Macyn (our second choice). But the name Kennadie felt right to both of us throughout my entire pregnancy. When I was pregnant we would write the names we liked down on pieces of paper, crumple them up and put them into a hat, and every single time we would pull out the piece of paper with the name Kennadie on it. It was definitely meant to be.

I remember the doctor checked me and told me that I was definitely in labor and was there to stay. I remember freaking out texting my friends and my boss at the time telling them I couldn't believe this was really happening. 

I remember how comfortable and inviting and laid back everything was- from the atmosphere to the nurses. I remember only wanting Josh in the room until after she was born. I remember talking on the phone to my best friend through contractions and laughing about that. I remember the Celtics game being on the tiny TV and dozing off here and there and Josh going back and forth to see friends and family that were stopping by and I remember the sound of her heartbeat in the background. 

I remember my first nurse was so nice. I remember the second next nurse I didn't like at all and I remember crying because I didn't think she was nice. I remember the final nurse was awesome and she was pregnant too and I remember we talked for a long time and eventually found out that she was married to one of my high school friend's brother.

I remember staying there overnight and I remember in the morning they gave me pitocin. I remember the contractions started to feel a little uncomfortable at that point and asking for the epidural right away. I remember wanting to enjoy this experience and not be in pain throughout it. 

I remember getting the epidural but I don't remember that hurting. I remember my legs feeling numb and I remember once I got the epidural I didn't feel the contractions anymore and I can honestly say that I had a pain free and comfortable and amazing birth experience.

I remember the nurses had me do a few practice pushes and then calling my doctor to let her know that I was ready. I remember my doctor telling them to try to make me wait as she was in a delivery still but wanted to be the one to deliver my baby. 

I remember my doctor coming in and somehow making it all okay. Josh and I were both so happy that she was there with us and that she was the one to deliver our baby. I remember her husband calling her as she was getting ready to deliver Kennadie and all of us laughing. 

I remember pushing a few time, but I never screamed or made any weird noises. I remember on that last push my doctor said, "Andrea, look down!" and I remember shaking my head no because I was concentrating so hard on the pushing.

I remember that Kennadie didn't cry the second she came out and I was concerned and asked why she wasn't crying. I remember feeling scared. I remember hearing her cry a few moments later and feeling relieved. It really was the most beautiful sound.

At 5:36pm on March 20, 2009, I remember seeing her and trying to comprehend all of what had just happened and I remember saying, "she is so cute!" That's all I could think to say at the time. I remember that I did not cry like I thought I was going to. 

I remember them placing her in my arms and feeling an instant love and connection with her. I remember that she was beautiful and perfect in every way. I remember I kissed her and told her that I loved her.

I remember not too long after we were sent to our room where we stayed for two more nights, my parents and sister and Josh's mom and dad came up to welcome her, and Opa and Oma making a surprise trip up from Florida because they wouldn't have missed this for anything. I remember Opa having a cold and having to stay away from Kennadie while we were still in the hospital and that he had to wear a mask over his mouth. I remember Josh's dad brought roast beef sandwiches for my first dinner, and I remember how happy I was to finally eat a roast beef sandwich and how good it was. I remember all of us talking about the delivery and how awesome this was and how amazing she was. 

I remember friends and family filling up our room over the next two days and how much joy I felt.

I remember she was a great sleeper from day one and we had to wake her up to eat every four hours. I remember our nurse told us to do this to get on a good schedule and it worked so well for us. I remember waking up with her in the hospital to feed her as Josh slept on the couch in our hospital room.

I remember she failed her hearing test both times in the hospital and how much pain I felt in my heart from that moment on and how scared I was for her.

I remember leaving the hospital in tears because I was so scared that she had hearing problems and I remember thinking how that wasn't supposed to be the way we left there. I was supposed to leave without any fears or worries or concerns. 

I remember the day we took our newborn to audiology and crying in that room and holding her and praying she would pass, and I remember how much anxiety I felt leading up to that appointment. I remember the relief I felt when they told us that she passed the hearing test.

I remember feeling more in love than ever with Josh and our life and with our little girl.

I remember listening to It won't be like this for long by Darius Rucker in the car many times and crying happy tears and being washed over with so much happiness. I had never loved so deeply before.


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