I have been in a funk the past week or so and although Josh tells me that I go through this every month, it still doesn't make it any less real or scary. This was mentioned to me before and Marcia brought it up again the other day at my appointment that I do have some PTSD around the PPA/PPOCD that I went through. It completely makes sense and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I really can see it. I know all too well that it's more than possible to be in such a scary and dark place and I just never, ever want to go back there or have anything like that happen again. Depression and anxiety and all of that completely terrifies me and unfortunately being so scared of it just fuels the anxiety even more.
Before it was just a thought and a dream but now that the adoption is becoming real I am almost wondering if it's the adoption stuff that is triggering me. It's very clear from so many of my blog posts that I have always wanted a bigger family, more children, siblings for Kennadie. During MAPP training I had a bit of fear, but as we continued the journey that fear turned into excitement and passion and joy. I haven't been worrying about what it will be like with three more kids- the time, the work, the money, how a bigger car will be needed, bedroom furniture, boy toys, clothes, possibly having one child with special needs, and holy crap, are we completely crazy for doing this?!
I have only been focusing on the good- being blessed with three more beautiful children added to our family, siblings for Kennadie and how amazing it will be to see her as a big sister, painting the girls' room a calming purple and setting up the empty bedroom that could soon be filled with two little boys that we get to love and guide and care for, the laughter and joy and chaos that three more children will bring to our family and home, three more little ones sitting with us at the table for dinner as we talk about our day, all of us playing outside together or cuddled on the couch watching the latest Disney movies, family vacations and day trips and the look of wonder and excitement on all of the kids' faces as they explore new places and activities.
I have been so in my head lately that it has made feeling like myself and present and calm very difficult. I am working so hard on getting out of this- I have been journaling and talking about it and exercising and watching what I put in my mouth just a little more than usual and going to extra therapy appointments. I will keep an eye on how I am feeling and do more work on accepting the fact that no one is always happy and anxious free at all times and I will keep working on learning to be OK with the uncomfortable feelings that make their way here every so often. After journaling this morning I am feeling a bit of a release and calmness and a hope that this dark cloud is really almost on its way out.