Friday, April 25, 2014

stream of consciousness- fears of adopting

At 9pm on Thursday I left the adoption meeting feeling more confused than ever and heard more stories that scare me. And right now I'm not feeling okay with all of this.

The horror stories I hear.

The marriages that fell apart.

The families that have become broken.

In all honesty, I have fears that if we adopt we could "ruin" our family. 

These are my worst fears going forward with this and I just wish that someone, anyone will tell me this isn't what it will be like.

It sounds horrible and it may be because of the few scary stories that I hear that stick with me instead of focusing more on the positive, happy ones. I don't want to be the one dragged down and confused by believing the stereotypes and, unfortunately that is where I seem to be at right now. My hope is that one day I won't be so afraid of the unknown and will eventually get to the place where I can help rid these negative stereotypes so that others don't have to be in such fear about it like I am now.

Adoption isn't some minor decision that we take lightly. This is probably the biggest decision we will ever make. And right now it hurts and it's scary. It hurts that we don't have more children and that she doesn't have siblings and that for the last seven years I feel as if I have been fighting for the family that I have always dreamed of.

I'm so in love with my little family and I know Josh feels the exact same way. Are we perfect? No. Is my marriage perfect? Of course not. But in my eyes it's beautiful and filled with love and our home is a safe and happy place. But I can't seem to get the negative stories out of my head that if we go through with adopting everything could change for the worse- it may not be full of smiles and love and happiness and safe anymore. It may not be anything like what I have pictured in my mind- happy kids singing in the backseat of the car, kids playing out back together, all of us cuddled up reading stories together before bed, a happy chaos talking about our day at the dinner table, kids arguing with each other one minute and loving on each other the next, summer days filled with smiles and swimming in the pool and going to the beach and running through the sprinkler and toasting s'mores at night, camping trips and family vacations.

Happy.

And this is how we are now. Of course it's not always wonderful and pretty and there are many nights where we can't wait til it's her bedtime or she throws tantrums or whines about what we are having for dinner or two months go by and we realize that we haven't had a date night or at the end of the day I want to just get out by myself for a walk or a run or a car ride listening to music. Despite all of the hard and not so pretty moments of motherhood, I love it and becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I also feel so strongly that something is missing- I don't feel like our family is complete yet.

Over the last few weeks I have become so passionate about adopting. Deep down in my heart and soul I do feel that this is where we are supposed to be and that we can do something good and that something big and wonderful is going to happen. I would like to think that I am not being naive but rather cautious yet optimistic at the same time. Why can't it be good? Who says it has to be all "bad" and "scary"? Why does my mind have to automatically think the worst? Why can't it be how I imagine and dream it will be?

It can be beautiful and great and my hope is that one day all of my doubts and fears will disappear, but I know I have to experience all of these up and down emotions and think of the worst and best case scenarios and go through everything that is involved with this in order to get to that place. I can't wait to be there.


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