Twelve bins full of baby clothes and toys is what I was left with after cleaning and organizing out the basement. I hate clutter and have thought about going through these bins for a while now, but hesitation would always set in. Being the sentimental person that I am, I knew uncomfortable feelings would make their way to the surface and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face that. But I knew it was time to let go and I was finally ready to face what I had been ignoring.
Pulling out outfit after outfit memories of my daughter in these tiny outfits ran through my head. Some outfits and toys hit me harder than others and I sat there silently reminiscing and loudly calling out to Kennadie, "Come here! Look at this outfit you wore when you were three months old!" And, "Kennadie, look! You loved these toys!" She ran over to me, checked out the toys, told me she didn't want me to give them away because according to her she still plays with them, and then ran off to continue what she was doing before I interrupted her.
Letting go of a past that I have genuinely enjoyed pretty much every moment of and to see my little girl who was once a baby and now a beautiful five year old brought a little bit of sadness- not because we most likely won't have any more babies, but because she wasn't that baby anymore.
Our decision to stop trying to get pregnant again, to not move on with more fertility treatments, and our decision to not adopt babies wasn't an easy decision. It took a long time for us to get where we are today. Conversations took place that were filled with agreeing and disagreeing. Moments of confusion and doubt entered our minds. And there have been many ups and downs. But once we came to a decision I knew in my heart it was the right choice for us and our family. It felt one hundred percent right and exciting. Our decision brought a closure that was needed to open a new door.
Going through her baby clothes I am forced to look back and I am faced with the reality of being a mom and watching my child grow, even though I would love to keep her little and safe in my bubble that I have created forever. This has also been a chance to fill my heart with all of the memories from the past five years that have brought so much joy and happiness, firsts, and lasts, pain and love. It's been a chance to let go of what once was while knowing the memories will last forever.