I'm not really sure how to put into words what has been going through my mind without saying too much, but I know it has to come out somewhere else besides the scribbles in my journal.
I remember sitting in our MAPP classes, part of me scared, part of me excited to be on this journey. Mostly scared though. I remember having a small breakdown in the middle of class one night, unsure if this was something I really could do. I remember thinking, "how could I love a child that is not biologically mine?"
I was so naive then and stereotypes filled my head. At that time I didn't know any better, really. I have learned so much since then. So much. And I have grown tremendously through this.
Back at the end of December I learned how very possible it is to feel a connection and love towards someone that you have never met. I understood others when they said they just knew. I wanted to fight for children I never met, like I would fight for my daughter.
For over two months we waited to hear what I thought I was hoping to hear. I was scared but it was a good scared, just like when you are about to go and give birth and meet your newborn for the first time. Somehow, someway, it felt right.
Things didn't happen exactly the way I was hoping for. I had a little over two months to think about these children every single day. I pictured them here and what it would be like. I could see them in the car, tucking them in bed, at the table eating dinner with us, part of our family. And in some weird way it's a loss that I must "grieve" I guess.
I did have feelings of regret when we were first told the news that it wasn't going to be- maybe we weren't giving ourselves enough credit, maybe we could have handled what we thought we couldn't, we shouldn't have said this or felt that. Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I say all that I really needed and wanted to say. And the truth is, I didn't fight harder because I didn't want to try to push anyone into feeling something they weren't one hundred percent comfortable with. I knew exactly how I felt but I had to respect the feelings of others involved as well. Trying to convince others to change how they were feeling or pushing them wouldn't have been fair. We are in this together and I had to take a step back from my emotions and think about all that were involved.
While I let go of what I thought could have been I started to see that this situation happened to teach me and was here to lead us to the place we are supposed to be.
I was taught more about patience.
I was taught that it is more than possible to love a child that is not biologically mine. Because my children are going to be my children always, no matter what. And to me, biologically or not, it doesn't matter one bit. My kids will never be treated any differently.
I saw what it was like to feel something so deeply for someone I never met.
I have learned what truly makes a family.
I was taught a lot about gut feelings and to not ignore them. Ever.
I was taught to always say what you need to say. No matter how crazy it seems or what other people may think.
I was taught that it's OK to take others opinions into consideration, but to never back down or let others fog my way of how I feel deep down inside.
I was taught to fight as hard as I can for something that I believe in. I will never, ever regret standing up for what I believe.
I was once again taught that everything happens for a reason and that most of life really is out of our control. It's how we deal with the hard and good times that matter and every experience can teach us something if we open our eyes.
I was taught that if one door closes, it is only because another door is meant to open.
And another door did open and I am so excited to see what is ahead.