It all came out.
A few weeks ago at MAPP class, I couldn't hold it in any longer. As hard as I tried, my emotions took over and the tears poured out. I lost all control. The pain and confusion in my heart needed to be released and I was left in that room feeling very raw, exposed, vulnerable.
For a while, the MAPP classes were becoming a bit emotional for me. Tears had been filling my eyes and I had to do my best at keeping it all together each week- to not cry in front of these people we only met a few weeks ago. Hearing stories, hearing worse case scenarios, worrying about the safety of our daughter and our family, hearing so much negativity, thoughts popping in my head as I looked around the room wondering how we even got there. It all became a little overwhelming.
For a moment, I felt silly. No one else had cried. In fact, no one else seemed to show much vulnerability, no one seemed scared, no one seemed the least bit worried. I felt so weak. But one thing I have learned through my journey of healing from PPOCD is that showing vulnerability does not mean weakness. In fact it's the complete opposite.
I know the setbacks and mixed feelings are not over yet, but I am slowly learning how to let go of what I can not control and slowly learning how to let go of worrying about things that may or may not ever even happen. And I love having this space where I can write it all out and one day look back and see all of the ups and downs that life brings- see the frustrations, see the joys, see the progress, see the beauty. And one day I know I will look back and laugh with Josh about that one time when I broke down in tears in the middle of our MAPP training.