"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."-Joseph Campbell
Before starting the MAPP training I never really thought about the reality of what we were walking into. I had this idea in my head that we would add on to our family and we all would feel a strong connection and an immediate bond. I imagined watching Kennadie and her brother or sister playing in the backyard on the swing set and glancing in my rear-view mirror in my car to see two car seats with two little kids giggling at each other.
I imagined life as happily ever after.
Last week in our training class we were asked if we had any questions or reservations so far. I finally spoke up about my concerns, my worries, my fears. My eyes filled with tears and I felt weak for speaking up when everyone else seemed so sure about this road they are on.
It does worry me that this may not be anything like the happily ever after I once imagined.
I never thought about all of the loss that may come with this- the feelings of loss that the birth parents and/or biological grandparents may feel and the loss that the children experience.
I never thought about how devastating this separation could be for a child.
I never thought about how a child may come here with a trash bag filled with clothes, a few toys, and maybe some books. Or worse- how a child may come here with just the clothes on his/her back.
I never thought about what the child is forced to leave- birth parents, extended family, siblings, pets. Everything he/she has ever known.
I never thought about the birth parents and what it would feel like to have a child taken away.
Some days I feel so pessimistic. Things are much different than I ever expected them to be. I never expected to go through PPOCD. I never expected to be faced with infertility issues. I never expected that we would be on this road to adoption. But then there are days where I feel really optimistic. Days of knowing there are so many good things ahead.
I have always had these dreams of what I thought my life would look like, but Marcia reminds me all of the time that we can plan and plan our life, but life often has a much different plan for us. I think of this often and I am slowly learning to open my heart and my mind up to a life that I didn't plan.