The other day, I spent a few hours writing at Panera Bread. I opened my pink spiral notebook and took my pen to the paper-a welcome release for the jumble of thoughts in my head.
Writing in my notebook is freeing for me and a way to learn more about myself, my dreams, my fears-a way to let go and express myself authentically. I don't worry about spelling, grammar, or what anyone else will think.
I find myself holding back at times when posting on my blog-paralyzed by fear to show me. It can be so scary to show vulnerability and I can be so hard on myself and worry too much about what others may think. Is this stupid? Does this make sense? Does anyone really even care? Many times, I try to keep a post as "quiet" as possible-thinking that if I don't "promote" a post on any social media that no one else will ever know it's there. Sometimes, I do think of setting this blog private, but then I think of the community that surrounds blogging and the opportunities that have come from it. I think about all of the women that have reached out to me and the moms who email me for advice, resources, or to just let their thoughts out safely so they can feel a little less alone while they are going through a PPMD or dealing with their own fertility issues. I think of all the moms who I have helped and pointed to online groups so they can "meet" others who have experienced or are experiencing a PPMD. I think of the moms who have called me after they have healed just to let me know that they are doing great and have also started volunteering as a way to give back. It is in those moments that I am reminded of some of the many reasons why I keep a public blog and the importance of putting ourselves out there.
I have been on this journey of getting to know myself better and learning to accept and love my strengths and my weaknesses-to be just as I am. It's not easy and, at times can be very uncomfortable. I am working at getting to that place where I can be comfortable with the uncomfortable and to a place where I don't care so much about what people may or may not think.
It's easy to believe that we are not good enough, but would I ever want Kennadie to feel this way? Never. I am responsible for showing her how to love and accept herself and that she is more than good enough. I want to teach her to never be ashamed of who she is and to love and embrace every part of her being-flaws and all. I want to teach my daughter that it is OK to be different, to be unique, to be herself and that she is beautiful just the way she is. I want her to know that with hard work and dedication anything is possible. I want her to feel like she can always speak her mind even when it feels scary. I want to teach her the importance of stepping outside of our comfort zone and putting ourselves out there. I want to teach her that rejection will come, but along with that will come opportunities and so much good. I want to teach her that being uncomfortable is not only OK, it is good for us. I want to teach her to not worry so much about what others may think and to do it anyway. I want her to share and embrace her gifts and talents and flaws and imperfections.
And the only way I can teach her any of this is by example.