Friday, February 22, 2013
mixed emotions dealing with secondary infertility
While driving to the vets yesterday Kennadie started talking about how babies get here. "Mommy, there was a ring & then I popped it, I just popped out & that's how I got here!" (She got this idea because I have a small hole near my belly button from having a belly button ring years ago & she knows that I had to take it out when I was pregnant with her.) I find it hysterical that she thought babies just pop out like that. I laughed so hard & then we had a quick age appropriate conversation about how babies really get here :)
Then my heart broke into pieces.
"Mommy, when the baby gets here soon can you teach me how to feed it & take care of it?"
I explained to her that a baby won't be here soon but we do hope to have a baby in the future.
"Well, I can teach the baby to walk & talk & to pet the kitties nice. And I can teach the baby not to hit & I can give the baby a tubby all by myself without any help & I can brush its teeth."
I held back the tears, flashed her a smile, & told her how sweet she is.
I know she will be a great big sister one day & it makes me so happy to hear how excited she gets about having a little sister or brother, but at the same time my heart hurts hearing her talk about it.
Our first attempt at an IUI will be done in about two weeks. I'm not sure how I am feeling about all of this-sad, angry, excited, in disbelief. And then there is some more anger & sadness mixed in there. It's still really hard to accept this is the road we are on right now. Trying to stay positive about the outcome is becoming harder & harder as each month passes. I hate not knowing- not knowing if the IUI will even work, not knowing if we will ever have another baby, not knowing if Kennadie will ever get to experience being a big sister.
It's hard not to think why not me when what seems like everyone else around me is pregnant. It's hard not to put the blame on Josh; as if blaming someone else can somehow take away even a little bit of the pain. It's hard to get past the what ifs, the should haves, the guilt, the disappointment, the isolation, the denial even. It's all so confusing & there are so many different emotions going through me right now.
While going through PPA/PPOCD I never would have thought that years later I would actually look back & see all the positive things that came out of that. But I can see all the amazing things that have come from that experience & I keep trying to remind myself of that. That as much as this hurts now, it will get better, & someday I will be able to see the positive that came from this too.