Saturday, January 26, 2013

fertility testing & not giving up

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from our doctor letting me know that the last test we were waiting on came back very low. I asked her if IUI would even work now that we know this & she told me probably not & for us to have a chance at becoming pregnant we would need to go right on to trying IVF. It wasn't an easy day for me at all with so many different thoughts & emotions going through me-crying then feeling OK, angry then sad, shocked, feeling hopeless, in denial. This morning as I pulled up to the drive through window at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee, I pulled out my wallet, opened it up, & my daughter's preschool picture stared right at me. Tears came pouring out, will I never experience another child in preschool again, ever? This made me want to hold on to each moment with her even that much more.

We can't start any fertility treatments until February, so this month our doctor is having me use a digital ovulation test so we can see when I am ovulating. I have used these tests in the past but usually start testing towards the middle of my cycle & have never had a test come up positive. Having nothing to lose, I bought a box on Thursday. I started testing yesterday (day 5 of my cycle) just in case & in hopes that this would give me a better chance at detecting ovulation. I tested negative yesterday, but today it actually came out positive! Since I am only on day 6 of my cycle, I was extremely surprised that it would be positive so early. This is giving me a *little* bit of hope. Maybe we have been timing this all wrong, maybe I really do ovulate earlier than I thought. Maybe even with the test that came back low, there is still a chance.

Although we have been TTC for a year now, this is just the beginning of a new road for us & there is so much to think about & research & try to figure out. There may be fertility treatments beginning next month, there may be many more negative tests, there may be lots of confusion, feelings of hopelessness, sadness & anger.  But I am determined, I am not giving up on the family that I have always dreamed of, I will fight & do whatever I can until we know for sure that there is absolutely no possibility of this happening.

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Oh mama! I can relate a bit. When we started trying for our second it was taking much longer than I thought it would. I did all the ovulation tests, my BBT and charted, everything that stressed me out basically. The one month that we only had two opportunities to "try", we got pregnant. We had also gone to a fertility doctor to see what was going on. In the end I just needed to stop stressing so much over it and just let it happen when it was meant to. (easier said than done, I know). I just wanted to say hang in there and try to think positively. I'll keep you in my prayers. {{{Hugs}}}

Kristin @littlemamajama said...

Sending so many hugs your way. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You are such a strong woman and mother, and I know that your strength and love for your family will carry you through this. xo

Andrea Balcunas said...

Thanks so much Jennifer. Growing up we are always told how "easily" this can happen but then when you really want it to, sometimes it doesn't happen so quickly. But you gave me some hope for sure! I try not to stress about it & I actually think I do a pretty good job at keeping my stress over this pretty low but sometimes it definitely does get to me. THanks so much for thinking of me!! Hugs :)

Andrea Balcunas said...

Thanks so much Kristin. That means so much to me :) xo

Alison said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. I can't even imagine how hard it must be, physically and emotionally.
Hang on in there and lots of good luck your way!

Kim said...

I have been meaning to hop over here and write a comment, I actually read this last week...I just wanted to leave you some words of support, as I imagine this must be very difficult. I can relate to some degree, but this is not my story, it is yours. However, I just wanted to let you know that I understand a lot of what you are feeling and going through. I am sending positive thoughts your way, and hope that your wishes will come true. Sometimes, it takes longer. Much longer. And it seems sometimes that the harder we wish, the longer it takes, and that Life, which speeds by for all else, drips endlessly while we wait for our wishes. I see a lot of strength up there in your words, you can do this. :-) Hang in there {hugs}