Yesterday afternoon I received a call from our doctor letting me know that the last test we were waiting on came back very low. I asked her if IUI would even work now that we know this & she told me probably not & for us to have a chance at becoming pregnant we would need to go right on to trying IVF. It wasn't an easy day for me at all with so many different thoughts & emotions going through me-crying then feeling OK, angry then sad, shocked, feeling hopeless, in denial. This morning as I pulled up to the drive through window at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee, I pulled out my wallet, opened it up, & my daughter's preschool picture stared right at me. Tears came pouring out, will I never experience another child in preschool again, ever? This made me want to hold on to each moment with her even that much more.
We can't start any fertility treatments until February, so this month our doctor is having me use a digital ovulation test so we can see when I am ovulating. I have used these tests in the past but usually start testing towards the middle of my cycle & have never had a test come up positive. Having nothing to lose, I bought a box on Thursday. I started testing yesterday (day 5 of my cycle) just in case & in hopes that this would give me a better chance at detecting ovulation. I tested negative yesterday, but today it actually came out positive! Since I am only on day 6 of my cycle, I was extremely surprised that it would be positive so early. This is giving me a *little* bit of hope. Maybe we have been timing this all wrong, maybe I really do ovulate earlier than I thought. Maybe even with the test that came back low, there is still a chance.
Although we have been TTC for a year now, this is just the beginning of a new road for us & there is so much to think about & research & try to figure out. There may be fertility treatments beginning next month, there may be many more negative tests, there may be lots of confusion, feelings of hopelessness, sadness & anger. But I am determined, I am not giving up on the family that I have always dreamed of, I will fight & do whatever I can until we know for sure that there is absolutely no possibility of this happening.