Thursday, December 6, 2012

changes

When I first started Postpartum & Pigtails I thought I was only going to write about Postpartum Mood Disorders & use it to see the progress I was making since the beginning of my PPMD journey. But it became clear to me pretty fast that I could also use my blog to remember the small details in our life that otherwise would be forgotten. For about two months now I have been thinking if Postpartum & Pigtails is still right for me & I just don't feel that it is. I feel that if I keep going with Postpartum & Pigtails that I should write more about PPMD & it doesn’t feel like the right place to include our day to day life. I know it’s just the title of a blog & it’s kind of crazy how a title can make me feel this way.

I am not in the same place that I was in when I first started it. I have been having a hard time figuring out why I wasn’t really writing much about Postpartum Mood Disorders anymore & why it was feeling more like a chore to write. I was beginning to wonder if I was trying to ignore an issue that I didn’t want to deal with or if it was because I was really healing from all of this.

When I asked Josh what he thought, he told me that he could see a change in me & believes that I am having a hard time writing about PPMD consistently because I am not in that same place I was once in. It was so reassuring to hear this because I can see & feel it too.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 10 months & I have grown in more ways than I ever could have imagined. And I am beginning to let go of some of the past- not ignoring it or pretending it’s not there, but I am cautiously moving forward. I don’t want to stay stuck in that place forever.

Since I started blogging I have dug down so deep. I have learned to release things that hold me back. I have cried sad & happy tears. I have had great days only to be followed by setbacks. I have poured my heart out about what it was like living through PPA/PPOCD & the damage it caused for years afterwards. I have blogged & wrote in my journal about it. I opened up & became honest about what I went through. And I have learned to let go of some of the feelings of isolation, pain, sadness, fear, & anger.

PPA/PPOCD will always be a topic that I hold very dear to my heart & will forever be a part of my life. I don’t take for granted the days, weeks, & months that I feel great & I don't think for one second that the OCD/intrusive thoughts & anxiety can't creep back up on me at any given second of any day-because I know it can & the reality of it is- it most likely will. This is a part of my life now & something that I will have to live with forever. I'm beginning to accept that. 

Starting a blog has opened my eyes to everything that is around me. I started to notice the pink in the sunset’s that were happening right outside our front door (something I never stopped to even notice before). I really listen to the way my daughter talks, I watch her just a little longer, & I stop to smile & soak in the sounds when she giggles. I am learning to pay attention to small details & I love having a place to write about all of this & a home for my pictures. These moments come & go so quickly & I don’t want to miss any of it. This blog feels more me now & feels like the right place to record the memories that I never want to forget, to write about our day, & to write about the ups & downs of life.

I love what blogging has done for me so far-It is one of the things that has helped me heal, I have found support through blogging, I have been so lucky to meet a few amazing women in person through this, I love the way blogging lets you get to know some incredible women just through their writing, it has showed me a really awesome way to record even the small moments & an organized way of doing it, I have been able to help & give hope to some amazing moms struggling with intrusive thoughts, it has opened new doors for me-helping others as a Massachusetts Co-Coordinator for Postpartum Support International & volunteering on the PSI warm line-helping moms every single week. The main reason I started blogging was to reach others who were having intrusive thoughts & I have done that & I hope to continue to do that. I will never stop wanting to help others who are going through this.  

I am also ready to keep pushing forward, have a place that I can call my own, & a place that feels like me. I will never stop writing about PPMD but I also want to include more about our life, more pictures, & more of the memories that we will look back at years from now. And that is what I hope to do on this new space. 


5 comments:

krystal lynn said...

Beautifully written and I am so happy that you feel you can focus and enjoy more of the beautiful moments and memories in your life. I never want my struggles to define me, but hopefully what will define me is the courage to get through them (as you have) and the joys I have in my life. Though I still have horrible days with OCD, I feel I have more joy and beauty in my life than bad. I also have the husband and children who love me no matter what..which is a great gift and I am so happy you have that too.

Andrea B. said...

I love this. Whatever you call it you write about whatever works for you, ya know? Whatever means something and makes you laugh, cry, focus and so on. I'm so happy you're doing so well and that you've found the way your space needs to be. Sending hugs!

Kristin @littlemamajama said...

You are awesome. Love the new look of your blog, and totally support you! I wanted to thank you for being so brave in sharing your story, because it helped me so much when I was going through a similar struggle. I look forward to seeing more of your gorgeous pictures and hearing about your life! :)

Also - I didn't know you were doing that with PSI! That's so cool!

Andrea said...

I sometimes think of the saying, "I never knew how bad I felt until I started feeling better." I had to come to accept that I will have days that may be hard or bad but like you said, there is more joy & beauty in my life too than bad :)

Andrea said...

Thanks so much Kristin, that means a lot!

Haha, yeah I love volunteering with PSI, it's definitely pretty incredible to give back like that you know? :)