When I first started Postpartum & Pigtails I thought I was only going to write about Postpartum Mood Disorders & use it to see the progress I was making since the beginning of my PPMD journey. But it became clear to me pretty fast that I could also use my blog to remember the small details in our life that otherwise would be forgotten. For about two months now I have been thinking if Postpartum & Pigtails is still right for me & I just don't feel that it is. I feel that if I keep going with Postpartum & Pigtails that I should write more about PPMD & it doesn’t feel like the right place to include our day to day life. I know it’s just the title of a blog & it’s kind of crazy how a title can make me feel this way.
I am not in the same place that I was in when I first started it. I have been having a hard time figuring out why I wasn’t really writing much about Postpartum Mood Disorders anymore & why it was feeling more like a chore to write. I was beginning to wonder if I was trying to ignore an issue that I didn’t want to deal with or if it was because I was really healing from all of this.
When I asked Josh what he thought, he told me that he could see a change in me & believes that I am having a hard time writing about PPMD consistently because I am not in that same place I was once in. It was so reassuring to hear this because I can see & feel it too.
I have learned so much about myself in the last 10 months & I have grown in more ways than I ever could have imagined. And I am beginning to let go of some of the past- not ignoring it or pretending it’s not there, but I am cautiously moving forward. I don’t want to stay stuck in that place forever.
Since I started blogging I have dug down so deep. I have learned to release things that hold me back. I have cried sad & happy tears. I have had great days only to be followed by setbacks. I have poured my heart out about what it was like living through PPA/PPOCD & the damage it caused for years afterwards. I have blogged & wrote in my journal about it. I opened up & became honest about what I went through. And I have learned to let go of some of the feelings of isolation, pain, sadness, fear, & anger.
PPA/PPOCD will always be a topic that I hold very dear to my heart & will forever be a part of my life. I don’t take for granted the days, weeks, & months that I feel great & I don't think for one second that the OCD/intrusive thoughts & anxiety can't creep back up on me at any given second of any day-because I know it can & the reality of it is- it
most likely will. This is a part of my life now & something that I will have to live with forever. I'm beginning to accept that.
Starting a blog has opened my eyes to everything that is around me. I started to notice the pink in the sunset’s that were happening right outside our front door (something I never stopped to even notice before). I really listen to the way my daughter talks, I watch her just a little longer, & I stop to smile & soak in the sounds when she giggles. I am learning to pay attention to small details & I love having a place to write about all of this & a home for my pictures. These moments come & go so quickly & I don’t want to miss any of it. This blog feels more me now & feels like the right place to record the memories that I never want to forget, to write about our day, & to write about the ups & downs of life.
I love what blogging has done for me so far-It is one of the things that has helped me heal, I have found support through blogging, I have been so lucky to meet a few amazing women in person through this, I love the way blogging lets you get to know some incredible women just through their writing, it has showed me a really awesome way to record even the small moments & an organized way of doing it, I have been able to help & give hope to some amazing moms struggling with intrusive thoughts, it has opened new doors for me-helping others as a Massachusetts Co-Coordinator for Postpartum Support International & volunteering on the PSI warm line-helping moms every single week. The main reason I started blogging was to reach others who were having intrusive thoughts & I have done that & I hope to continue to do that. I will never stop wanting to help others who are going through this.
I am also ready to keep pushing forward, have a place that I can call my own, & a place that feels like me. I will never stop writing about PPMD but I also want to include more about our life, more pictures, & more of the memories that we will look back at years from now. And that is what I hope to do on this new space.