Sunday, September 23, 2012

triggers


Anxiety creeps in heavily after reading an article that triggered my intrusive thoughts. In the matter of minutes, a calm & happy morning turns into panic, flashbacks & scary thoughts. The harder I try to push it away the stronger it fights back.

Today, my heart aches for a family that I don’t even know.

My biggest fear has become someone else’s reality.

She didn’t ask for this; she didn’t want this to happen. No one does.

Lives have been changed. Just like that.

So many questions & thoughts are swirling through my head.

Could this happen to me?

Am I putting myself at risk for wanting more children?

Did she even know what was happening to her?

Did anyone know what she was going through?

Did she reach out for help?

Was she asked the right questions?

How can this still be happening?

I don’t judge. I can’t. I know all too well how real & terrifying Postpartum Mood Disorders can be.

We all need to know the signs & what to look for.

We need to talk about it. Never stop talking about it.

We need to keep working towards destigmatizing PPMD.

We need to make others aware of how serious this can be if not treated properly.

We need to do whatever we can to help prevent tragedies from happening.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, there is still some anger left in here. I am angry at the fact that I have triggers. I am angry that three & a half years later, I can still feel so fragile at times. I am angry that others have to go through this. And I am angry that I am questioning if this wound will ever completely heal.

So today, I thought a lot about a family that I don’t even know. I cried by myself, to my husband, & to my counselor. I talked about it with my mom. Kennadie & I stayed busy with painting, playing outside, & going for a walk. She kept me smiling. And I made sure to cuddle with her just a little longer tonight.   

*I wrote this Friday & although I am feeling much better today, it was important for me to have this on here. There have been so many times where I write how I’m feeling but then delete it later when I feel better. I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to remember that some days may be harder than others. It’s also great to remember that the hard days will pass. They will get better.   

4 comments:

Kimberly said...

They will get better. These days will happen but you're getting better at making them go away. Something like this would have sent you in a tailspin. I'm so proud of you for talking about it and reaching out yourself xo

ocdtalk said...

I do think it's important to share the tough times as well as the successes, because that's the reality of what you are dealing with.......glad you are feeling better.

Andrea said...

Thanks so much Kim. And you are right, I didn't even think about it that way-that even months ago I would have completely freaked out. Such a good way to see how much progress I am making. xoxo

Andrea said...

Thank you :) I agree, I sometimes try to make my life all happy all the time & when I don't write about the bad days or delete or throw away when I write about a hard time-it's almost as if months later I can hardly remember feeling that way, almost as if it didn't really exist. But I am learning that I need to work through my feelings instead of hiding them or pushing them away.