Just when I think it’s over & behind me, the anxiety knocks me down without any warning.
Suddenly, I don’t feel like myself.
I’m reminded that I may always have to look over my shoulder.
My mind races with what if thoughts.
What if this leads to depression?
What if this never goes away?
Unable to fight the tears any longer, they come pouring down.
The anxiety laughs at me; I’m tricked into believing that I shouldn’t get too comfortable where I am now. It feels a need to remind me that it still lingers around. Telling me lies I know I shouldn’t believe.
I can’t find a way to trust the words, “It won’t last forever; you will get through this”.
My mind believes the worst.
My mind believes it’s here to stay for good.
My mind fears that once again, my life will be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.
My fears take over & it’s a bitch to get out of this place.
I am left feeling beaten down & fragile.
It’s been a long time since I felt uncomfortable or had such worry & panic like this. Somewhere along this journey, I fooled myself into believing that if I am not “happy” every second then something is “wrong”. That it means I haven’t recovered from this.
Most days, I feel safe & comfortable where I am in my life.
Most days, it feels like a distant memory.
Most days, I know that I have recovered.
Most days, I believe it when I tell others, “It won’t last forever; you will get through this”.
Most days, I am happy.
I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours. Members from Mama’s Comfort Camp gave me some great advice. One piece of advice that I can't stop thinking about is, “Just because we go through a hard time doesn’t mean we are not in recovery or haven’t recovered. The point is not necessarily to never feel bad, but how we respond to those feelings”.
Feeling pure joy & happiness 100% of the time is just not possible. We all have a rough day (or two or three) & that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This doesn’t have to mean that we are going to be back in that dark & scary place. This doesn't mean that we haven't recovered.
We are allowed to have “off” days & to “not feel like ourselves” from time to time.
We are allowed to feel sadness & even anger once in a while.
We are allowed to not be happy every single moment of every single day.
Finding Mama’s Comfort Camp & PPDChat has played a huge role in my recovery with PPA/PPOCD. I don’t know where I would be without this support. I didn’t have to keep quiet about how I was feeling the other night & I didn’t have to go through it alone. I spoke up & received love & support. And for that I am truly grateful.
For more information on Mama's Comfort Camp click here.
For more information on PPDChat click here.
Even Katherine Stone has a rough day here & there! Check out what she has to say about it here.