Wednesday, June 13, 2012

things i'm afraid to tell you

image designed by Ez of Creature Comforts

Things Im afraid to tell you started when Jess Constable of Make Under My Life wrote a post about personal things that she was afraid to tell people. And Ez of Creature Comforts then turned this into a movement.

When Robin of Farewell Stranger mentioned a few bloggers were planning a Things Im Afraid To Tell You link-up, I knew I wanted to participate. But letting others in on the things that I usually keep to myself can be scary.

Bloggers all over are sharing their fears & letting us in on who they are. Flaws & all. Through Things Im Afraid To Tell You, we are encouraged to let our insecurities out.

Here are 8 Things Im Afraid To Tell You:

-I dropped out of college because of how shy I was. I had so much anxiety & fear when speaking in front of others & I didnt know how to deal with that. I was also lost & didnt feel like I fit in. It was very hard for me to make friends. So I quit. I only have a little over a year left & hope to finish one day. 

-Im not the best at "playing" with my daughter. I love reading with her, blowing bubbles, cuddling, teaching her new things, going to the playground, taking day trips to a local lake or the oceananything except having to sit down on the floor & play! I will do it but its not my favorite activity.

-I lack confidence. I second guess everything that I do & I always wonder if people are thinking bad about me, talking bad about me or if people like me. For some reason, I never believe that I am good enough. I am working on this.

-It takes me forever to write a blog post. Days usually. (Reason why this post is up so late!) Its the lack of confidence & I let it get the best of me. I want to get to the point where I dont worry what others will think & just write as if no one else would ever see it.  

-I have rosacea. But I hide it good with makeup. I have had it ever since I was a teenager. I tried laser for it a few years ago but then when I was pregnant with my daughter I had to stop. After she was born, I went back to finish the laser treatments. But by that time the insurance stopped covering it & it was too expensive to pay out of pocket. So I deal with it for now. 

-I take on way too much & can never relax. This started during my Postpartum Anxiety/Postpartum OCD. Staying busy was one of the biggest things that helped keep my mind off of what I was going through. Sometimes I would love to just rest or take a nap!

-I had terrorizing intrusive thoughts after my daughter was born. They were thoughts such as "What if I drowned my baby in the bathtub". I was also petrified of the knives being in the house. At the time, I wanted to tell my husband to get rid of them all. I never told him though because I was afraid of what he would think. These thoughts were horrifying to me & I know that I would have never acted on them. But at the time, I didn't know what they were or how common they actually are. I didnt tell anyone for years because I was so afraid that my baby would be taken away & that I would end up in a hospital forever.

-We have been trying for baby #2 for 5 months now. Im terrified of going back to that dark & scary place though. I am so afraid of even the possibility of intrusive thoughts/ PPA/PPOCD or any Postpartum Mood Disorder happening. I also worry that I wont get pregnant. 

Phew!! Although I am scared to hit publish on this post, it feels good to let some of that out! I really enjoyed being a part of Things I'm Afraid To Tell You & hope you will feel inspired to link up! Also, check out the interview with Jess on this Huffington Post article. 


Robin | Farewell, Stranger said...

Good job, my friend. I think a lot of us feel the same about many of these things. And I am horrible - HORRIBLE - at playing. I last about 2.5 minutes. Seriously.

ocdtalk said...

Thank you for sharing. Nothing you reported seems unusual to me........I think the things we are afraid to tell one another are a much bigger deal to ourselves than they are to others. We are all so hard on ourselves. Good for you for having the courage to share! You will inspire others!

tranquilamama said...

Andrea, I too lack confidence. I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough. I am still working on this.

Ivy said...

Hi Andrea, you are a brave woman for sharing! Sounds like, despite some of your insecurities, you’ve been brave all along. After al, you’ve made it this far despite the challenges you’ve faced and you’ve made it this far despite all that and it looks like you are gaining momentum! I share some of your insecurities/fears. Seriously, you’ve done a great job working on your fear of speaking in front of others, as you were the very first to share at my book event. You did it without looking nervous at all! With all the friends you are making lately, making friends at school shouldn’t be an issue! I am sure you will be able to finish up school when you are ready and the time is right. I also don’t like to play with my daughter. Playing games is one thing, but creative play is another. I never did that growing up, so voila, I am poor at that now. Was just never good at it. My husband is so good at creative play, and thank goodness for that. I’ve lacked self confidence all my life….if I can improve on that with life experiences, you will too! Your blog posts are awesome! Try to make time to relax and do something that you like, even for an hour or so, each day. Pick up yoga or meditate. That will help ease your anxieties, which is important because they work against you when you are trying to have a baby.

Chaunie said...

I am amazed through all of these posts to see how common PPD is, and how many women are opening up about their experiences. I know I had some form of it after my first, even though I never sought help. I know that blogs like yours will help moms 1) recognize that it's real 2) recognize that they are not alone. So incredible, thanks for sharing!!

AnnMarie said...

I think if everyone did this, we'd all feel more confident with ourselves. Once again, you prove how brave you are. :)

Kristin @littlemamajama said...

I'm so excited that you're trying for baby #2! I share your fears, as we hope to start trying in a couple of months.

I think we all have some areas of parenting that we don't feel comfortable with or don't enjoy. I do like to play with C, but I'm so afraid I'm not going to be able to teach him things correctly. I've never been a good teacher. I'm not patient enough! It scares me.

Sending you love and hugs for your brave post! :)

Robbie K said...

College is tough even when you aren't can be so overwhelming. They offer so many online courses now-maybe you could go that route.

Congrats on ttc #2!