Monday, May 7, 2012

online video support

*Warning: This post contains some material that may be triggering to some people. Please do not read if that is the case for you. 

One of the hardest things I dealt with during my struggle with intrusive thoughts was not telling anyone about them. No one knew or understood the details of what was really going on. I didn’t have anyone there to tell me that I would be OK or that they had been there too.

I didn’t know any better than to keep quiet. I barely even knew what Postpartum Depression was. And I had no clue that intrusive thoughts could happen or that I was experiencing Postpartum OCD.   

I thought about speaking up. All. The. Time. But how could I just blurt out to my husband the details of the horrifying thoughts that replayed continuously in my head?

By the way, I am having intense scary thoughts that revolve around harming our child. 

And just to freak you out even more, can you hide the knives in the house? They are really scaring the crap out of me. In fact, can you get rid of the knives all together? Thanks.

Ummm, I am pretty sure he would have thought I was crazy. 

How could I not have felt like I would have been locked up? How could I not have felt like my baby would have been taken away from me if I told anyone? 

After years of being alone with these thoughts, I am finding others who have been there. I am finding support. Unfortunately not where I live, but I am finding it in other places. 

I am finding it through twitter, facebook groups & blogs. 

If it wasn’t for the women who share their stories, I honestly don’t know if I would be where I am today. 

I wouldn’t be. 

Last week I attended the PPDChat OnTheAir hosted by Lauren Hale. Of course I was the only one that couldn’t get a picture to load on my profile. Then, I tried calling in twice but no one could see me because my screen was blacked out & the second time no one could hear me. I would like to think that I actually did know what I was doing & that it was just my computer screwing up.  

Since I couldn’t get the video to work, I typed in a question that I sometimes worry about.

Could PPOCD ever turn into psychosis? 

That is pretty terrifying to think about. 

As soon as I hit enter to send the comment, I started to cry. At this point, I was kind of glad that my video wasn’t working! I was shocked that I was crying. I can usually talk about it without getting too emotional.

Panic set in. Maybe I am not over this. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was

Once I started to think clearly, I realized that I can’t be strong every moment of every day. It’s just not possible.   

PPOCD & PPA were traumatic to go through & I know that I am still healing. I had to remind myself that even though I have worked really hard at overcoming this, sometimes it’s OK to feel scared about the unknown & to feel hurt by what happened. 

Even with the computer issues I had, the video chat that Lauren is doing is one pretty awesome thing. I would have done anything for this type of support when I first began having the anxiety & intrusive thoughts. I am so excited that this amazing support is out there now! 

We don’t have to suffer in silence. 

We don’t have to feel alone. 

We don’t have to feel like no one else in the world gets it. 

The support is out there & I am extremely grateful for that. 

Check out the info for PPD Chat Live here


Kimberly said...

I never had the intrusive thoughts and I can't even begin to fathom how horrifying those must be. Can't.
Gentle hugs.
PS. One day I'll hope on board the video :) I'd love to meet all your beautiful faces that have helped pull me up and out.

Andrea said...

Thanks Kim for the hugs :) I would love to meet you on the video too!

AnnMarie said...

I love the honesty of this post. Suffering in silence only means more suffering but talking about it means there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not feeling alone really does help. I didn't suffer from PPD but I did suffer after a few traumatic events dealing with my kids. I'm glad you are giving yourself and other women a voice.