Saturday, April 21, 2012

more than a mom

I am linking up with Kimberly over at All Work & No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something & posting about a special woman in my life. She wrote a beautiful post about her Mamie that you can check out here.

High school was rough.

 “Friends” tossed me aside to hang out with “cooler” girls. Dropping me as if they never even knew I existed.

A “friend” took a knife to my throat asking what I would do if she tried to kill me.

This same “friend” aggressively ran after me & attacked me in the hallways at school.

“Friends” poured lemonade in my locker.

A guidance counselor told my parents that I should drop out of school when I was 15.

Having to switch schools because I couldn’t take facing these girls anymore & was seriously considering my guidance counselors brilliant advice.

There were many days where I would run to my room & cry the second I got home from school. Faking sick to stay home from school became something I was good at. I started hanging out with a bad crowd, smoking cigarettes, skipping classes & refusing to do what my teachers asked. My grades began to suffer. Worst of all I was treating my parents & sister like total shit.

I threatened to call the police on my parents because I wanted to be taken far away. I would call my mom hurtful names. Names that were so horrible I won’t mention here. I would tell her how much I hated her & that I wished she wasn’t alive. My heart brakes to even think that I would have said that to anyone, especially my mom.

My mom would read books to try to get answers & figure out what was “wrong” with me. She cried. She cried a lot. She was completely lost as to how to help her daughter that she loved so deeply. The daughter who was once a sweet little girl had turned into a mean lost teenager. She fought so hard to get me back.

My mom stood by my side through every horrible thing I said to her. She stood by me through every name I called her. She was always there waiting for me no matter how far I pushed her away. She never once gave up on me. She pushed our family out of the hell I was causing & fought until it was over. She did whatever she had to do to help her daughter. No matter how long it took or how painful it was.

After switching schools I found a great group of friends. I found my best friend at my new school & she is now like a sister to me all these years later. As I grew up, I blossomed into that kind sweet girl that my mom always knew I was.

When I was in my early twenties, my mom & I became extremely close. She became a best friend to me. We started shopping together, laughing & hanging out. We talked about everything. She would tell me stories about her high school experience, old boyfriends & what it was like growing up in the 70’s.

After having my daughter we became even closer (although I didn’t think that was possible). When Postpartum OCD reared its ugly head, many relationships were tested. I didn’t tell my mom about the intrusive thoughts for a few years but I did tell her about the anxiety & told her I was having fears. She knew something serious was happening to me & was there for me once again through it all.

She bought me books to read about postpartum depression (although at the time I couldn’t read them because it triggered my anxiety, but she didn’t know that & it was the thought that counts).

She would run right over to my house the second I called her. She would drop anything to get to me as fast as she could.

She took many, many days off of work so that I wouldn’t have to be alone during the day.

She took me out to eat & to the mall to walk around so I could try to get my mind off the horrible thoughts that I was having.

She came to my appointments with many different doctors even though they were hours away.

She would stay over to wake up with the baby on the nights where I was too afraid of my own thoughts to do it.

She would do anything for me & has proved that more than once.  She kept me going through the worst of the PPOCD. 

She was my rock & I know that I couldn’t have done it without her.

She taught me how to love unconditionally.

She taught me how to be patient (ok I am working on this one).

She taught me how to be kind to everyone I meet.

She taught me that if people are going to be mean they aren’t worth my time.

She taught me how to be the mom I want to be.

She taught me to never give up on something no matter how hard it seems.

She taught me that “this too shall pass”.   

My mom never gave up on me & has taught me to never give up on my daughter no matter what. I wish I could repay her for all that she has done for me. She will never understand how much she means to me. She is one kick ass mom & my hope is that I can be half as good of a mom to my daughter as she is to me.


Kimberly said...

This is so beautiful.
She is an amazing woman.
And mother.
And you?
So are you friend.

Anonymous said...

This is from the "Mom" who is still crying over those beautiful words. What a gift you just gave me. This is more of a repayment than anything I could ever want or imagine. You don't realize how much you've given me. Love you always and unconditionally.................Mom

Ray said...

WOW, Beautifully put Andrea. Your mom is and Will forever be an amazing strong woman. You are definitely a chip off the ol block. :)