Thursday, February 23, 2012

new mommy hormones

The day of my 27th birthday I had my weekly 3rdtrimester checkup. It was 6 days before my due date & I was soooo ready to have this baby. I convinced my OB to try to jump start labor & she stripped the membranes for me, sounds gross right? I heard it worked for some friends so I thought what the hell it’s worth a shot.Coincidence or not, that evening my water broke.

I had to start pitocin later that night but didn’t start to feel any contractions until the next day. They weren’t bad yet & I wasn’t in much pain but I chickened out & instead of waiting for the contractions to get intense I buzzed the nurse to my room & told her I was ready for the epidural. I know, I know, I couldn’t have even at least tried to handle some pain?! I made the decision based on how I wanted to really enjoy this experience. For me, the best way I could do that was to be pain free. 

I have many friends who went au natural (brave frickin women!) but that’s just not me. I am not a sissy when it comes to pain but I wanted to be comfortable. I would do the same thing again in a heartbeat. I didn’t feel any pain, pushed a few times & my daughter was here & delivered by my awesome OB. Our closest family & friends came to visit. Mommy & baby were healthy & I was the happiest girl alive. The entire experience was pure awesomeness.

The day we were going home the nurse mentioned that my daughter had failed the hearing test but not to worry because it can be pretty common & they will recheck it later. I was so nervous when they were retesting her. I was hoping she would just pass so my anxiety & worry would go away & I could relax. She failed it again. I cried. The new mommy hormones completely took over my entire body & mind at this point & I was no longer just happy & feeling pure bliss but now I was also consumed with fear, confusion, anger, anxiety & worries.

I was told that we would have to see the audiologist in a few weeks to recheck her hearing. A few weeks??? I immediately thought “there is no way I can wait a few weeks, I worry too much. I will only be able to think of the worst case scenario until she is checked again. She is deaf, I know it. I must have listened to my music too loud in the car, I did this somehow.”

I worried a ridiculous amount over the next few weeks. I would snap my fingers, made loud noises, anything I could do to get her to react to the noise. Finally the day came where we had her hearing rechecked & I was a complete mess. I had to have my husband hold her during this checkup because I cried the entire time. Way to be strong for my daughter! 

Thankfully, she did pass this 3rd test. I was so incredibly relieved.

 I am sure my reaction to this situation was hormones after having a baby (I would like to think of it that way at least).  Emotions can obviously be exaggerated after giving birth by like a million. Plus, being a worry-wart in general doesn’t help. 

Although I don’t apologize for feeling the way I did because they were my feelings, I do see now that this thankfully wasn’t a life threatening situation.  I know we could have been faced with much bigger issues. Even if she had failed that 3rdtest it wasn’t life threatening & there were ways to treat it. I didn’t know it was anxiety at the time but I think sometimes mood disorders (such as anxiety) can really seem to intensify our emotions & the way we react in situations. My first reaction, to pretty much everything, is like the world is going to end (I am so dramatic!).

 On my journey of recovering from PPA/PPOCD I try hard to not let every little situation that comes up in life completely take over my feelings. It is a lot of work & one day I may or may not get there & I am fine with that. I am who I am. 

Anxiety & worrying takes a lot of hard work to overcome & can sometimes just exhaust me mentally. I am trying hard every day to not overreact to everything & feel at peace that no matter what life throws my way, I can handle it. I thank God she passed that test & we weren’t faced with life threatening issues & I know now how lucky we were to have such a healthy little girl.
so in love with our baby but we look like we have no idea what just happened!

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