Wednesday, February 8, 2012

just the beginning

Ever since I can remember I have always wanted children. Having children just always felt right & I couldn’t wait until I was old enough & married to start a family. Josh & I had many talks (and disagreements) while we were dating because I wanted to start a family ASAP & he was not having it. Thinking back, I can’t believe he didn’t run the other way as fast as he possibly could with all that baby talk I did! I had baby fever for as long as I could remember & now being in my early twenties all of my friends were having babies & I couldn’t help it, I wanted babies too! Finally, which seemed like an eternity he came to his senses (good man) & told me he was ready to start trying for a baby. I was 26 & he was 31. Honestly, a bit older than I would have liked but hey I will take it!

Two months into trying, I took a test & there were those 2 pink lines I had been anxiously waiting to see. You can imagine how frickin excited I was! We were both sooo very happy! Later that evening, I put the positive pregnancy test away in our bathroom closet but secretly looked at it every day...OK, numerous times a day for a few weeks just to make sure it still showed the 2 lines. Not sure if I did this because I was just a worrier & wanted to make sure it still showed positive or if I was just so excited I couldn’t help it, I guess it was a little of both.

It was a sunny June afternoon (June 2nd, 2008 to be exact) about 6 weeks into my pregnancy, I was at work & I started to feel a bit of cramping. I went to the bathroom & one of my biggest fears was coming to reality, I was bleeding. I called my best friend right away & she helped calm me down telling me she was sure I was fine but to call my doctor just in case. The bleeding started to get worse. Hysterically crying, I grabbed my cell phone, stepped outside of my work building to call my doctor & told them I thought I was having a miscarriage. They comforted me on the phone but there was nothing they could do. 

At this point I knew it was the end of the pregnancy. There was nothing I could do to save this baby that I already loved so much. I knew I would just have to let nature run its course & deal with what we were just hit with. 

As I hung up the phone I wiped the tears from my eyes, took a deep breath, hurried to the bathroom before anyone could see me, washed off the black mascara that was running down my face, cleaned up & went back to work as if nothing happened. 

That day I didn’t tell anyone at work. Not many people even knew I was pregnant yet & I was just in complete shock at what just happened. I look back now & I have no frickin clue how I stayed at work the rest of that afternoon. Crying, shocked, sad, bleeding & losing this baby that I had always dreamed about, while sitting at work trying to hide my tears may have not been the best thing to do. I probably should have gone home.

Over the next few days my mind raced with thoughts about what I possibly could have done wrong. Did I do something to cause this? I had been taking prenatal vitamins; I wasn’t smoking, doing drugs or drinking. I exercised & ate OK. I thought I was doing everything I could to avoid having this happen.  I know now that it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. Miscarriage is common & I know that some things are just out of our control.

Although it was very early into the pregnancy and we were told that it is pretty common to have a miscarriage, it doesn’t take away the pain of losing a baby.  It was a hard situation to deal with but we got through it & we had no idea at the time that soon enough we would be pregnant again.

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